Whew... I've been busy... sorry!
A few answers are below. More to come!
(THE ORIGINAL POST, in case you need it.)
Question
I've been stuck in a "trainee" position at my job for 19 months, with no end in sight. It pays a lot better than most trainee jobs, but it's still pissing me off; I want that raise.
by KevinA
Answer
You've been a trainee for 19 months? Perhaps you should try applying yourself.
Question
I know it's the cool and hip new wave of the future, but I think meetups are boring..
Am I hopeless?
by Sidhe
Answer
You are not hopeless. For the majority of folks, Meetups are neither cool nor hip. They are one step below an AA meeting and one step above a wife-swapping orgy. However, if you are an unemployed C++ programmer, they are very cool and very hip. If this is you, knock yourself out.
Question
Why does Holy Joe want to fuck up our chances in 2004?
by Roastbeef
Answer
Holy Joe is neither Holy, nor Joe. That didn't work at all. If the last few months have proven anything, it is that little Joey is an idiot who would rather take down the entire party than see it succeed in spite of him. My mom used to call these types of kids something, but I can't remember what it was. Oh yeah... Little Bastards.
Question
Dear Uncle Theoria,
I have a problem. I'm afraid that it might be serious. I am addicted to hating GW Bush. It's gotten so bad that if he were to save a drowning child, I'd wonder which industry he was paying back. I blame him for everything; recently I had a difficult day at work, and I was certain Mr. Bush was at fault. I see him everywhere Evil lurks, even in the movies. In the battle between Saruman and Gandalf, I imagine it's Bush vs. Dean. I see it as a loss for Democrats when Gandalf loses.
Is this a recognized psychological disorder? Is there known treatment? Or is it possible that George Bush really is this... Evil? Help!
Confused in Connecticut
Answer
Do not despair. Our great nation is currently in the grip of three powerful and destructive diseases. The first one, which is what you are suffering from, is called "Bush Fatigue, and roughly one quarter of all Americans are suffering from it. It isn't deadly, but it can drive you to a nervous breakdown. I prescribe lots of tequila in my practice, as well as foot-rubs and oral sex, as some of you already know. If none of these are available to you, take a weekend and get away to the mountains to masturbate in peace. If you can make it `til November 3rd, 2004, you will be alright.
Another quarter of our nation is suffering from a disorder known as "Messianic Misplacement Syndrome", and they believe anything that Bush tells them. This disease is not deadly, but I am afraid it is incredibly annoying. The only cure is doing a tour of duty in Iraq or losing your job.
The remaining half of the country is suffering from plain old apathy, which is deadly.
Question
I have in as my aquantances three, yes count them, three very conservative individuals who if they had the chance and thought their guy could pull it off would suport and vote for anyone more conservative than Bush. Their main beefs are tax policy, national security, and welfare. And they are totally unwilling to understand the basics of progressive social policy (safety net AND promote the development of the individual) and do not believe a democrat has the 'balls' to go to war when necissary (despite my examples of a good many of them). Is there anything that I could say to get them to percieve my arguements as being even remotley plausible?
by Izixs
Answer
No. They are beyond help. I hope they enjoy hell.
Question
Dear Uncle Theoria,
I met this guy in the Summer of 2000. It was a whirlwind romance--we went everywhere together--and we decided to get married in November.
But at the rehearsal, my dad punched his dad, and an all-out brawl ensued. The priest refused to marry us, and when we appealed to the bishop, he said if we got married, it would cause irreparable harm to the whole diocese, and possibly destroy the institution of marriage itself.
So we broke up. I didn't see him much, and I heard he'd gone on an extended trip to Europe. After a while I forgot about him.
Then, a few months ago, he came back to the States. He'd grown a beard, and was going around to all our favorite places talking about how much he hates chicken-fried steak.
Uncle Theoria, chicken-fried steak used to be his favorite meal! I used to cook it for him all the time! I told all our old friends he'd lost his mind, that chicken-fried steak was the best food in the world, hoping they'd pass the word along and get him to snap out it.
Then last week, he all of a sudden announced his engagement to someone else! And he didn't even call me first! I've been trying to tell all my friends about how rude he is, and how this new fiancee is a bitch who probably only cooks tofu, if she knows how to cook at all, but they're not returning my calls.
What should I do?
Cast Off in Connecticut
Answer
You must drop out of the race. Immediately.